Hedge laying, by Evelyn Simak on geograph.org.uk
I love seeing boundaries. Whether it's the excellent jigsaw skills of a drystone wall, or the 'hedges' of Cornwall with their bushes and flowers growing over walls, or an expertly woven 'layed' hedge with hawthorn half-spliced and bent over...
What about the boundaries we set to make sure we are spending our limited time on the right things? Constructing a boundary in the right place is one thing. Maintaining it is another. Here are some ways to keep yours strong.
If we spread ourselves too thin, we can't do anything well. And we're in danger of breaking apart. Finding the right boundaries to protect our own energy for what we care about was a major theme at the She is Sustainable spring gathering in March. These might be boundaries about the kind of tasks we take on, or the time we spend on different parts of our lives, the issues we work on, or even the people we work with.
So you've set your boundaries - how do you stick to them?
Be honest with yourself about your reasons for being tempted to break your boundaries
I have been working with a coaching client whose underlying reasons for not sticking to boundaries included fear of discovering she was replaceable, and guilt at letting down people who she admired. My own reasons include fear of missing out on something fun, and believing I don't deserve a slower pace of life.
Once you understand your own deeper, often unconscious reasons, you can hold them up to scrutiny. "Is it true that I am replaceable?" "If it is true, is that more or less important than my commitment to this boundary?" "If it is true, what is it about that, that stops me from sticking to my boundary?"
(You may recognise the pattern of Nancy Kline's limiting assumption/incisive question in this internal dialogue.)
Phrases which help
My client began by coming up with phrases which aimed at justifying her boundaries: she imagined saying to her colleague "I have committed to having a better work-life balance, and this will mean I am less likely to get sick and can work with you in the future."
Unless your boundaries contradict an existing contractual commitment (in which case you may want to explain your reasons as part of renegotiating - but even then you don't have to), you don't need to justify yourself. You can simply restate the boundary.
"I do not work on Fridays."
"My role on this project is X, not Y."
"I do not fly."
If you like, you can also talk about what is possible within your boundaries - the things you can offer.
"I do not work on Fridays. I will do this on Monday."
"My role on this project is X, which means I can help you with this bit."
"I do not fly. I could get there by train and that would take an extra three hours of my time."
"I am not available. I can suggest some other people who might be?"
(I particularly love this one, because it gives me a chance to pass potential work on to other people who may be very happy to get it.)
A coaching approach
If you feel the need to help the person a little bit more to solve the problem, you could take a coaching approach, encouraging them to find a solution which doesn't involve you breaking your boundaries.
"Who else could help you?"
"When does this need to be done by?"
"What other options do you have?"
Reminders
I have some little reminders stuck up above my desk, which help me maintain my own boundaries. They speak to the things which drive my particular boundary-breaking quirks, and include "I am not obliged to say yes", "accept nothing that doesn't spark joy" and "enough people know who I am".
What might your strong self say to your wavering self, to help you stick to your own boundaries?
Making the Path by Walking
This piece was first published in April 2022’s Making the Path by Walking newsletter. Scroll right down to subscribe.